It amazes me how you find out the true character of your friends. And somehow you realize that you probably knew it all along, but just wanted to see the world from Rose Coloured glasses. I know that I have hurt people, but never willingly and that is what I realized. Everyone hurts someone at some point in their life, but there are those that do it intentionally and those who don’t. This has brought me some clarity about myself. I have grown to realize I am not a bad person, which is funny because more people dislike me now and say bad things about me far more than they ever did. But when you find that those saying bad things about you are people who intentionally want to hurt you, you realize that their opinion isn’t worth even a penny.
Oh the things we realize when people are angry. There are so many ways to react to anger and it’s unfortunate that some people choose to convert their angry to hate. I always think to calm myself down, talk to someone I trust and move on, not say or do things I can never take back. You realize the maturity of people when they are angry. I think learning to handle anger is one of the biggest signs of maturity. Anger is complicated. It is a feeling like no other. It’s effects mentally and physically are almost impossible to over come, especially when you are furious, but the way we handle it shows a lot about ourselves. And as I have now realized, some handle anger better than others. Unfortunately there are certain things that people say or do that they can’t take back. No matter how much reason or juste they believe they have for these signs of hatred they show, I believe there is no excuse to purposely hurt someone you once cared about. I know I hurt them, but I never had an intention to hurt their hearts like they hurt mine. The worst part of it all is I would probably forgive them.
I have found that tough situations bring out the brave and the cowards in the situations. The leaders and the conformists. Unfortunately those who I believed would be the brave have been the cowards, the conformists. I have realized some friendships are not meant to stand tall over tough times, and have due dates on them. It’s sad to think that even those who you have always been for could just drop you like a piece of garbage. I never asked people to take sides and didn’t think they needed to, but unfortunately they did. And for some who I thought were closest to me, they couldn’t even build up the courage to defend me. I wasn’t asking for them to defend my actions, but just to defend my name. What happened was not a great thing, I knew and admitted that, but that does not make me a terrible person and to have people going around and saying how terrible I am without any one to defend me, makes me feel ill. Because in any of their cases, I wouldn’t have just stood there and let someone insult every part of them. I would have stood up for them and defended them. It seems they have all convinced themselves I wouldn’t, since they didn’t for me.
Everyone likes a little drama and many thrive on it. Maybe this is why many decided to be against me rather than neutral. And as the drama has faded, people have purposely caused more drama or tried to now become neutral. But I’m sorry. It’s too late to rejuvenate a friendship that was apparently never strong. Our time for our friendship is done. Finished. I don’t hold a grudge or hold anger. I just have no room in my life for those who bring negativity or drama or lies. I am still hurt. A piece of me has still been taken by all of these people who were suppose to be my friends and by those I was never trying to intentionally hurt. Their words, their actions will always and forever hurt me. And unfortunately, to them, I deserved it. I guess that’s what I have realized: you can’t change how others feel about you, but only how you feel about yourself.
And that’s where we get to the biggest realizations of them all. The best realizations. People will stand by you even in the darkest of times. Friends who are loyal will remain neutral. They will not take any side, but just stand in the middle. They will realize that this business is not their business and they will just stray away from any drama. Family will always stick by your side and cheer you on no matter what. These friends and family have given me the strength and happiness to move on. Unfortunately, those who have left just let me see that I was better off without them. I am a happier person now, I am more confident in myself. No matter the hate or judgement I have received, I know I am good person. I just followed my heart and so far that has been worth a million losses. I have realized I need to forgive and forget the pain, but never forget the good. It saddens me to realize some have tried to delete any evidence of a time where we were once happy together, but I will never forget those times. They have brought me to where I am today and I will cherish the good times forever. And I hope one day they will realize that themselves.